It’s amazing what the Lord can do with a sinner like me. This past semester has been a complete roller coaster since being back from Zimbabwe. Even though it’s been nearly six months since our return, I still feel like we were there just yesterday; sometimes we imagine that if we closed our eyes and imagined ourselves there, we would open them and magically be there. That’s how close Fairfield is to our hearts, and I thank the Lord for that. We’ve each had our own struggles since being back, none greater or worse than the other. Shortly after we returned, after much back and forth and heart-to-hearts with people close to me, I realized that I was struggling with major anxiety and possibly depression. I went to see a counselor and she confirmed that it was depression. It’s so crazy how God works, because some people would think that this is the worst thing ever. And I won’t lie; it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. But I will forever be thanking the Lord for this hard season. I have learned more about myself and about the Lord than it feels like I’ve learned my whole life. He has lovingly imparted so many truths to me about His character and about who I am. While we were in Zimbabwe, I found myself wondering more than once why exactly I was there; I felt like Ann Marie and Charlsie had much more of a heart for the kids and for the people at Fairfield. Last night, I stumbled upon a wonderful quote by C.S. Lewis, “This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.” It may sound super cheesy, but after reading that I realized that Zimbabwe was my Narnia. If the Lord hadn’t brought me to Africa and shown me so clearly His love and made me want to know Him more, I would not have been in a place to handle what I’m going through right now. God revealed Himself to me in Zimbabwe in ways I had never experienced before; had I not had those experiences and recollections of His presence to draw on, I would have been much worse for the wear here. The Lord also provided me with the most amazing and supportive community to help me walk through this time. I am not kidding when I say that I literally have the best friends ever. Several of my close friends in Hattiesburg have just been a sounding board for all that I’ve been dealing with. They let me talk as long as I need to talk, even if most of it is pretty much just sounding off about my woes. And, poor things, they try to offer the best advice they can. I really could not ever repay them for the example of Christ they have been to me. They have such a cherished place in my heart. My family and I have also grown a lot closer throughout this whole thing. My sister has been the one I needed to just tell it to me straight; she and my mom imparted so much truth to me, and kept saying it and saying it until I finally took it in. My sister, my mom, and my dad never lost patience with me and have prayed continuously. It’s enough to say that I could not have gotten through this semester without them. There have been so many hard things that have happened since being back, but there have been SO many good things. God has recently given me so many opportunities to share my music, specifically the house show that we had in our backyard in Hattiesburg. This was one of my absolute favorite nights EVER and so much credit goes to my amazingly awesome friends and family, again.
Each of us is being told lies all the time by the Enemy; his goal is simply to get us off track and distract us from the loving truths God is always saying in our ears. It has been such a freeing realization for me to know that I do not have to pay any attention to the devil’s lies; as much as they spark anxiety and worry in me, they are weightless, they have no foundation, and therefore they have no truth. The verse that has perhaps been the most important to me is James 1: 16-18:
“Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures.“
Not only does this verse mean that every good thing in our lives is from the Lord, but it also means that every bad thing in our lives is not of the Lord. The negative self-perceptions that we have of ourselves, the degrading comments that we take and mull over for weeks, NONE of those are from the Lord and therefore they do not deserve any thought or consideration. Obviously, this is much easier said than done; but no matter how long our minds have functioned in a certain way, God can still transform that. I felt like I was seriously walking through life with a shadow over my eyes; this shadow dictated everything I felt like I could do and say, but mostly it dictated everything that I felt like I couldn’t do and say. It kept me from so much, “it” being my negative self-perception of myself. I held myself back from so many things and struggled to fit into this box that just wasn’t me. But, PRAISE THE LORD, He is slowly but steadily lifting the shadow from my eyes, exposing me to more of Himself and more of His truths. Just because we’ve thought and functioned one way our whole lives, it doesn’t mean that’s the way we’re always supposed to think and function. God has more for us. Even if we think life is going pretty good right now, God ALWAYS has more for us. He meant more for us when He created us, and He is committed to lifting the veil from our eyes if we’ll let Him.
kathbkramer 